I am writing this post as much for me as you. Something to refer back to as I traverse my humanness. A very wise and loving person pointed out to me last week that I am suffering from an infliction I had not know about previously: The Great Illusion Of Becoming. This shifted my entire life perspective in one moment when the awareness of this truth sunk in. I had not realized how deep down the rabbit hole I had gone however, and became deeply humbled when I realized this belief permeated to all reaches of my life and career. So 5 days ago the axis that my earth revolves on had a major readjustment. The pain of waking up from this illusion was difficult, and I knew only how to do one thing to feel better about being turned upside down: I would love myself being humbled.
After I did a bit of self-compassion care taking...(after all my ego was a bit taken aback that I was caught in such an obvious trap!) a movie, bath, crying with girlfriends, reading some feel-good books, walking the dog.. I started to think about how absolutely pervasive this illusion of Becoming is in the health world. So what exactly is "Becoming?" Don't be where you are at. Be somewhere else. It is the basis of almost all that is held true for you to heal (and I am including the AIP movement). Go from point A to point B to heal disase and if you are a good student, you will be rewarded with a good outcome. And if you aren't, you either did it wrong, have bad luck or need to make an appointment with God to talk things over and see if he will grant a special wish for you. However, in this post, I am going to bust the Becoming myth that has reached epidemic proportions and tell you why there are other options of healing available to you. I think too this disillusionment of becoming can be a powerful aspect that will help the tipping point in healing to go from disease based to love based. To quit Becoming requires presence, humility and giving up illusions that you are anything but spectacular. Like so spectacular that even though there is disease, heartbreak, groceries to buy and I gotta get out of this job scenarios, you are still whole. To quit becoming means that you must cop to the truth that there is nothing to become.
I am finding myself working this minute to minute. I have found it to be some of the most difficult work I've done: Moving beyond the illusion of Becoming.
"Becoming" is an epidemic. It is an illusion humans are presented with that says: be somewhere else than right here. It is a disease in the healing world. It is also incredible because it is a laser-precise teacher that will show us that the authority we are looking for is not outside of us, does not come from power or prestige and is equally available to all humans on this planet. Become spiritual. Become healthy. Become disease-free. Become kind. Become low-inflammatory. Become nutrient dense. Become free of autoimmune disease. Become important. Become famous. Become an authority. Become love-able. Become enlightened. Seriously...I quit.
I quit Becoming.
I quit. I cannot for another second go from here to there. Chasing viruses, chasing the healthiest diet possible, chasing being an authority in AIP, chasing having knowledge, chasing becoming a healer, chasing people liking me, chasing finding the relationship. I quit.
I quit. It is causing my immune system to be dysregulated. My adrenal gland to secrete cortisol. It is causing me to be even more sensitive to foods. It is causing me to lose sleep at night. This becoming business is everywhere, in almost every single message of every movement on the planet. So I quit those too.
I quit Becoming.
I just got tired even re-reading that. Get your running shoes on Jessica, because if you really want to find what you are looking for, you will have to try hard, change everything, and become the you you always wanted to become. Seriously, I am calling Bullshit in that last sentence. I am just so tired of people telling me how to become the human I want to be. But good thing they did, because if I had not gotten so tired of doing that scenario I may not have came to my senses! So I have decided to quit becoming and just love me right this very second. Fully. More fully than previously thought. So fully in fact that it will humble me to a new level. An even deeper dive into vulnerability than before. With the viruses, with the blood sugar dysregulation, with the crabby attitude, with the misunderstandings. I am just not going to try harder. Flaws? Bring it on. Because when I quit becoming, I am instantly faced with the deepest, most challenging spiritual work I know (that provides the freedom my heart yearns for) LOVING ME IN ITS CURRENT STATE AS WHOLE. When I love myself in its current state, I stop BECOMING. I Just Am. Which goes against most health manifestos because loving me in its current state means I can't mess up, my divinity occurs with disease present or not, disease is not wrong, information is not power it is just information, there is no such thing as a template (there is just me loving myself being a messy human), what I eat isn't an indicator of success or failure. Hmm..sound like I just gave myself permission to Love It All. Wow. Won't that give disease power? Won't that keep me stuck? Won't that mean I am condoning violence and global warming if I love it all? Um, no. When I love it all, I am riding the wave called: using every dang thing to lift (I warn you, it is the messy path) Is jailing an innocent person bad? Nelson Mandela was. And he touched into divinity so deeply that it freed a country as a result of his jail time. Are strokes bad? Well, Dr. Jill Bolte had one and ended up writing A Stroke Of Insight and how she found inner peace. Hmm..so maybe things are not as clearly defined as I thought. Maybe it is more when I think something is good or bad it trips me up . Maybe that is the issue. Consider this: every time we are challenged as a human with a message that we need to BECOME more healthy or cure a disease, it can be a way to build the internal capacity inside ourselves where the real authority sits: loving for ourselves. And that place is healing.
I think healing sits in that place. I think that healing sits in the place of: I am going to be tender and compassionate with the me right now who feels confused, lost, unevolved and incomplete. I am going to feel that. All you have to do is look at the hashatags we live by alone and one can crumble into a ball of unworthiness from failing standards. So forget standards. And go even further than that. Use that experience of having any kind of standard at all as a tool to build resources inside of you that says "I can love myself struggling. Engaging in this race where there are never winners actually helps me figure this out."
I am honest when I tell you I have had clients cry telling me they are not AIP cool because they don't drink bone broth and eat liver. The rigidity of AIP and "follow the template" will not work and that not working is a grand gift because each person will come to this in time and that realization will open doors to a deeper understanding that we are enough right now in the midst of disease. When we come to that, then a different kind of healing can begin. A healing that does not come from lack. When we try to fix our bodies from a place of lack (I have a disease so I will fix it with a diet or I am wanting to be enlightened so I will become a yogi), it is a harder and longer journey than if we heal from a place of wholeness. I am not saying stop being AIP. But I am saying that if you are going to eat food, consider eating food from a non-dogmatic state. Eat from a neutral place that does not place anyone better than anyone else. When I first saw the hashtag #morevegetablesthanavegetarian in the paleo world I was stunned. So we are putting down vegetarians to somehow feel better about our diet? My diet is better than your diet? I eat more healthy than you? That is why I quit becoming. That argument never wins. Trying to heal from a place of lack will not work. It just won't. So instead of "I have a disease, I am going to change my diet to cure it," I suggest to clients to start with " I have a disease. What have I decided about my life and worthiness?" Start there. Figure that out first, then work on pulling in resources that come from wholeness, not lack.
I am going to get super radical here and say that I am going to love me in those states of what society has told me is unevolved and incomplete and I am going to just hold her hand. That place has the power to shift my biochemistry and dna. When I stop coming from a place of lack. When I stop focusing on lack and I start focusing on I am worthy of my own compassion regardless of any circumstances. Because any utterance that I am not totally complete, divine and whole goes against God giving me a soul. And I think god does not mess up. So I am going to start loving myself like I am not a mess up. I am going to start loving me as god loves me and see what happens. I think that is grace. And healing. And I love you.